I will never forget the emptiness that engulfed my heart when I heard the dial tone go to voicemail on my dad's phone for the 10th time in a row. I didn’t understand why my calls were being ignored. I just wanted to speak to him.
As I walked up the walkway and opened the door to my house, I realized that this moment stung even more because this was one of the few times my mother would allow me to see him.
You see, this was the problem with my parents. They couldn’t leave my brothers and I out of their problems. When my mom would get mad at my dad, she didn’t allow him to see us. This means we couldn’t go visit him either. Similarly, when my father got upset at my mom, he couldn’t necessarily take his emotions out on her so he did it through us. To get back at my mother, he would simply not do things for his children so that more of the burden could be on her.
You see, this was the problem with my parents. They couldn’t leave my brothers and I out of their problems.
He wouldn’t do the simple things. He wouldn’t reply to my calls. He wouldn’t take us for the weekends or give us rides anywhere or help with buying us clothes. This was probably the worst thing they could have done to us.
This video further explains what parents should and shouldn't be doing to their kids during a divorce:
It’s no secret that divorce can be a drastic change in a family. Although some families can take it well and keep everyone happy and healthy, this isn’t the case for everyone. This is why I strongly believe that parents who have problems after the divorce with children involved should attend divorce counseling.
There should be some written rule in place that doesn’t allow for the children to be cut off from seeing one parent without it have to be taken to court. Along with this there should also be a written rule that the parents mustn't drag their children into their drama.
Unfortunately there aren’t many rules pertaining to this. The only one I can think of is the child support law. This isn’t enough because you don’t just need money to raise a kid. You also need presence and guidance and for the parent to be a good role model. This is obviously something tricky to implement because it is a personal matter but it must be done because this a real issue that has real studies pertaining to the effects.
This article from VeryWellFamily.com states that “Studies have also found depression and anxiety rates are higher in children from divorced parents.” Follow this link to read the article and learn about the effects of divorce on children more in depth. The site also says that parents should not put their children in the middle and should maintain a healthy relationship with the children. This is because situations like this that occur in childhood can have lifelong effects on the mental health of people.
When I was younger, I never liked to talk about my parents. Whenever there was an assignment in school where family was the topic, I instantly got uncomfortable. I was embarrassed, especially since I attended a small private school where it seemed like I was the only one going through this.
I couldn’t help but to be jealous of the kids who had both parents or even one parent in the stands cheering them on. Or when the bus would come to pick them up and they would have both parents outside in the morning waving and telling their children to have a good day. This, along with the unhealthy behaviors my parents exhibited, caused me to resent them for everything that they put me and my brothers through.
I couldn’t help but to be jealous of the kids who had both parents or even one parent in the stands cheering them on. Or when the bus would come to pick them up and they would have both parents outside in the morning waving and telling their children to have a good day.
I was about 11 years old when they got their divorce. That would have made my younger brothers 5 and 7. It was a toxic household. There were many fights, both physical and verbal. However, as I got older, this resentment evolved into understanding. In a way I felt bad for them, and I’ll explain why soon.
I think it's fair to say that not everyone is meant to or ready to be a parent. This can be from a multitude of factors, the biggest one being maturity. Even though adults are older, contrary to the popular belief of kids, they need maturing as well. Adults also need therapy and tips on healthy ways to cope with problems. When they don’t have these skills and have unresolved problems, how could they properly raise children if they aren’t even taken care of themselves?
It is possible that during their lives, they may have been through something that affected the way they problem-solve with their children and divorce. Maybe they have some unresolved mental health issues. Even if they don’t, it's evident to see that they made wrong choices that were sparked by an overflow of emotions. With something as simple as a therapist or an evaluation, this trauma could have been avoided.
The saddest part about this is that when mental health evaluations are avoided, it causes a deadly cycle. If the parent doesn’t treat their kid well, how do you think that kid will treat their future ones? This is exactly why I stopped being angry at my parents. I realized they didn’t mean to do these things and that it was most likely an effect of them not taking mental health seriously. Follow this link to gain a deeper understanding of how deadly and counter active this cycle can be.
This is exactly why I stopped being angry at my parents. I realized they didn’t mean to do these things and that it was most likely an effect of them not taking mental health seriously.
I want to change the stigma on mental health and needing help. Mental health is just as important as physical health if not more. At least with physical health, you can clearly see what’s wrong. It’s evident if you have a broken bone or a bruised arm. However when it's mental, the problem is harder to identify. It can be overlooked.
Mental health issues are harder to detect which is why it should be taken more seriously. Even if you don’t necessarily see or feel a problem, it should be normalized for parents to take some sort of parents therapy or parent readiness course when expecting children. This course could be designed to help them know how to react when things go wrong and how to be proper parents.
Taking care of one's mental health, unfortunately, still gets negatively stigmatized. There are still lots of people who think that caring for their mental health is only for people who are “crazy” or “insane.” In reality, mental health is for everyone. The smallest and most irrelevant things can have an impact on your mental health without you even realizing, especially when done multiple times.
And as you can tell from my story, neglecting mental health help can and will negatively impact someone else. This is a problem that can be easily avoided if we keep mental health in normal conversations, because it is natural to not be ok sometimes. There should be no shame in needing assistance.
My parents have matured a little in the years that they have been separated. My family never tried counseling but I can say that they are much more in tune with their emotions, and even though they might still do undesirable things, at the end of the day they can see how acting out from emotion can hurt the people they love.
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